Oh, here we go again. The voices in their head. I breathe deeply, attempting to calm the unnaturally fast rhythm of my heart as my own head spins. I can forgive you. I can move forward. But I can’t forget what you said last night. Knees nearly giving way, I lean on the bathroom vanity, feeling choked up, trying not to throw up as I wish to forget the words they said but unable to forget the way they made me feel. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep ignoring red flags. There’s only so many warning signs you can miss before you drive off the edge. I look in the mirror at my blood-stained eyes, as if the internal damage they inflicted upon me will cause me to bleed out into death’s arms. Yet like Caesar, I never thought the sword would be raised by the person who I thought would always protect me. I never thought this betrayal, that the hand over my mouth fighting to silence my voice, would be a friend whom I thought loved my song. I never thought that the woman I thought my kids would call “Auntie” would try to kill, bury, and burn my body.
“Is it a wonder I broke? Let’s hear one more joke. Then we could all just laugh until I cry.”1
While, culturally, we tend to link breakups with the separation of a romantic “us,” platonic breakups can be just as nasty as non-platonic ones, and in some cases even more so: lovers may come and go within months of one another, but friends, especially the more years one can recall, tend to stick around for longer, share more secrets, and bury more bodies together. Thus, it seems odd to me that we never seem to think our friendships need the same care and cultivation that romantic ties do, as if friends just happen to stick around for a lifetime automatically, as if people don’t change, as if lives aren’t damaged by the pain of this world. Even more so for women, our friendships with one another tend to be sexualized and demonized both by popular culture at large and personally by men and other women, one of my dearest male friends assuming that there was a love triangle between my group of good, heterosexual girlfriends. Perhaps that’s why we’re only allowed to cry and grieve over romantic breakups as opposed to friend breakups, particularly female friend breakups: our most important and stable relationship should be to a man, and if it is not then there must be a shit load of girl drama happening in our life. But that assumption assumes that all female lives are quite similar, if not exactly the same, and never permits us to grow, change, and evolve in the ways that men are, in the ways the humans are; for just as our bodies are constantly evolving from puberty through adulthood to old age, so are our minds and souls experiencing new elements, thoughts, and lessons that continue to shape and mold us into who we are today. Unfortunately, not all friendships survive the changing winds; some hold on tighter to us with a firmer and more loving grip, and others go down with the ship.
Have you ever been there before? Have you ever had to make those decisions? I know I have. Too many times to count I’ve said goodbye to friends that felt like home and watched the man I swore I’d marry disappear into the mist, broken vows that were only spoken in my head, glass shattered on the floor as the world demanded more, and an empty bedroom that was once filled with a rose-lit glow. Today though I want to explicitly address the loss of a love I didn’t plan on learning how to live without, deeply rooted in the Divine Feminine.
Maybe being friends for such a long time leads to monotony, kindness seen as a given instead of a gift, generosity assumed and plowed over instead of appreciated. I spent months noticing the differences, little breaths that seemed twisted, contorted as I tried coming up for air but hit a glass ceiling at the water’s surface. Frantically, I kicked and pushed, fighting futility to break the glass and breathe normally again but the wall wouldn’t give. Confused, I swam nearer to the glass ceiling, looking out at the other person, remembering all of our past moments and memories. I tried to focus on the good times, recalling their compassion when I sat on the other end of the phone crying, the laughing over coffee in the place we were kids, remembering how simple the world was back then and wondering where our lives would turn up ahead. I always thought those paths were intertwined, but now I wasn’t so sure. My friends and family tried, but I wouldn’t hear it, covering my ears and screaming “But they love me! They’ve been such a good mentor to me! They would never hurt me!”
“Cause you lured me, and you hurt me, and you taught me / You caged me. / And then you called me crazy.”2
First the gaslighting came, the sweet words honeyed, sticking to my convictions and disarming me with “I love you, but…” and the magic trick that turned a harmful word they said to me into a demonization of my character and a pat on the head. Then the shame followed as they picked apart my insecurities and dug up buried bodies, reminding me of how lucky I was to have them, and what would I do without them? Who else would want to be friends with me? Swallowing my self-worth, I bent my head like a dutiful daughter and I thought I would die for their sins. I can forgive them, I can make them see how I feel, I can help them. Instead, I died inside as I continued living the life of a former self, a past self that I am proud of for her courage in that moment but that I am never willing to be again and compromise myself in that dehumanizing manner again. Cause I lived caged then, and as I was moving to the jungle, alive, wild, and in the sun, they told me I was better behind bars.
“Who’s afraid of little old me?! / Well, you should be.”3
Saying goodbye to a good friend is hard; saying goodbye to something you thought you’d have forever is even harder. Yet living in the past until you become a ghost is the hardest. Some things are better left dead, and some friendships may be one of those ghouls. You are a human being who is encouraged and celebrated to grow, to blossom, to change directions, courses, and winds to follow your dreams. Life is so very short and we only have one with which to live; one person can cause that ship to sink, can lead you to dark valleys and leave you stranded, and can starve you of air if you let them. Loss is terrifying, absolutely, and, if we look out the window, it is necessary. The trees lose their leaves after fall without thought, because they know they need their branches to survive the harsh winter and that new ones will come with spring. The roses lose their petals because they know the storm is coming, and the blooms will come once again in their time. Every good and gracious gift from the Divine will come in its time; friendships are no different. Yes, I have lost dear friends and that has allowed me to make room for other souls that have come into my life at the perfect moment at the perfect time. Now that I don’t have these friends’ voices in my head I can hear my own again, and I can hear that of the Divine and the special calling She has in my life. We are meant to have community but not with everyone; some conversations are better left unsaid and some people are better left out of our beds.
I’m sitting on my sofa now, listening to Taylor Swift’s “But Daddy I Love Him” on vinyl. The sun is shining between my lilac curtains, and I can’t help but feel companionship when I hear the lyrics “If all you want is gray for me / It’s just white noise / It’s just my choice.” I just broke up with a friend I thought would be my bridesmaid, and the pain of this death is all consuming. And when I stop and ponder why it’s so sad, it’s for memories past, not for moments present. We both did the best we knew how under different moons, but after ignoring conversations, hurtful remarks, and boundaries crossed, I don’t feel sad that we won’t be as close moving forward. I miss having someplace to put all this love, but luckily for me I have so many friends who rally around me, who leave me feeling wonderful and proud of myself, and would never tell me I’m too much, and my love may go there. God will never leave you hanging and will never, ever leave you loveless. God is love, and She will bring someone else into your life to fill the hole. In the meantime, breakup with your friends who don’t deserve you, because others do.
References
Taylor Swift. 2024. The Tortured Poets Department. Republic Records.
Last Love 