The debates on cancel culture have been long and hard, and I in no way, shape, or form want to get in the middle of them. I do wish, however, to offer my thoughts on reconciliation and manners in which to address these instances. Rarely do we hear from the people who have been canceled and how their social death impacted their life and self-image, and I do not believe imperfect humans have perfect power in deciding what is right and appropriate and what is not. As an imperfect human being, I sometimes wonder if we’ve forgotten about the purpose of criticizing culture in order to improve our world and create a more equitable space. When we do decide to cancel something, it should be ideas, not people. Ideas cannot feel pain, shame, adapt to different narratives, feel empathy for one another, and learn from their mistakes. But humans can. And as a very sensitive person, I feel it is essential to distinguish those who are calloused, cold-hearted human beings who will never change (which I feel do not make up all or even most of the people who are canceled) and the people who misspeak or are unconscious of their blindspots and never receive an adequate explanation and lesson on how to be more inclusive. Has cancel culture been used to help create a more inclusive, equitable society? Yes, a hundred percent. Have individuals, especially people in power, taken advantage of this social justice tool to further their own agendas and ideologies? Yes, a hundred percent. When someone says something or has an idea that you wish to cancel, how do you address that person, simultaneously honoring their full humanity and clearly communicating how their idea may be harmful? I have a list here of some ground rules to help navigate this rock terrain.
One: Be kind – this is incredibly simple yet incredibly crucial to addressing anyone, especially a person whom you feel said something offensive. At the end of the day, you cannot decide exactly what a person’s intent was, and they may well have had good, honorable intentions. Giving the benefit of the doubt is a way to not only make the person not become defensive to your words but is also a great way to start the conversation. Something along the lines of “I know you, and I know you have a good heart, so I wanted to let you know how your words made me/us/them feel,” allows the individual to more likely be open to your critic and will make them feel like you are dedicated to your relationship or community with them. This is vital for if/when that person rejoins your group to make sure they feel welcomed back and unjudged. The more gracious you are will cause the other person to more likely be gracious to you if/when you misspeak at some point (which, I hate to tell you, will happen).
Two: Avoid derogatory language & self-reflect why this bothers you – oftentimes, the person who said this will not initially think they said anything offensively. If they did, they probably wouldn’t have said it or would have apologized earlier. Therefore, it’s helpful to explain your rationale logically with grace as opposed to attempting to shame or infantilize them. Using phrases such as, “Your comment said this, and I feel that is very close to invalidating someone’s experience,” can often help the other person see your side and come to a mutual understanding. What is not helpful is using strong, contemptuous language such as “weird” and “backwards” to describe what someone said, for that does not bring the other person into your logic and is more likely to offend them. These types of words have the potential to hurt their feelings, causing them to put walls up and be unwilling to listen to what your message is. We want to invite the person into our line of reason respectfully, not tear them down and make them feel self-conscious, for we need active, confident people to help rebuild our society. Also, saying that you do not like someone stating a universal truth because it makes you uncomfortable does not qualify as a type of canceling. There are certain truths, such as that we live in a racist society and that we all have our own prejudices because of the society we live in, that do need to be phrased delicately, but in no way are those cancellable statements. In fact, if you are uncomfortable by one of the above lines, you are contributing to the problem. There is no shame in admitting that we have our own blindspots and that our country was founded on bigoted ideologies. That’s how we become anti-racist, anti-sexist, and anti every other bias. We must allow one another to grow in our quest for equality, and that includes making mistakes.
Three: Offer reconciliation – depending on the severity of the statement, you must end the conversation with a method for which that individual may rejoin your community or relationship wholly and fully with love. This is not a quick and easy “Think about your words and what you did” remark, which comes from a superiority complex you have over the other person as opposed to two imperfect human beings trying to make the world a better place. Instead, I suggest accepting and/or asking for an apology and offering actions that can make the transition smoothly for all parties involved, whether that be a public apology, a longer conversation, or offering more resources for the person to educate themselves on this topic. Words only mean so little without intentional actions and motivations backing them. To criticize someone is easy; to help someone see another perspective in a humane way is much harder but far more rewarding. For that is how we actually cancel culture: asking people to critically analyze their words from another’s perspective and guide them graciously back into the community as forgiven and new. Isn’t that, after all, the purpose of canceling culture – to change the culture in our spaces, not drive out the people who make those places?
I am well aware that this is a flexible list far from complete, yet my hope is that we may be a little more gentle with the people we know and more compassionate with our community members. Only then will we be able to fully address the bigotries in our society and eradicate their roots once and for all.
Last Love 